The Rites of Passages

It's an age old question, how one eats, but I have taken the time to break this mystery down in the present volume. I want to approach this very simplistically, although libraries of scholasticism devoted to culinary academia have already been written on the present subject. That is not my goal here. I want this subject to be available to the Everyman, to the blue-collar middle class, to the fairly illiterate. My approach is going to be very simple and straight forward. How to Eat - it may sound overwhelming and complex. But after reading this short volume, I guarantee you that you will not only understand, but you will be eating. In no time!!

Let's start with step one. Open mouth. Go ahead, give it a try. Don't feel ashamed, even if you are reading this in a public setting. Open it up like you would at the doctor's when he/she sticks that flat wooden stick on your tongue. Go ahead. Try it. Maybe even say "aaaaah," as a verbal helpsake. Or maybe pretend like you are yawning really really big. YAWN. Maybe that will help. Or if those don't work, pry your hands into your mouth and forcibly stretch your jaw away from your skull. Did you do it? Good. Now we are really close to eating. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Step two is almost as fun as step one.

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